Advice from a Dating Mom
By Kerri Zane, Spiritual Psychologist and Author
As a seasoned single mom, divorced for the last 10 years, I have certainly had my share of dating dramas. Fix-ups, matchmakers, on-liners and bar hits. You name it, I’ve experienced it. Most of the time the dates have been fun, without a doubt they’ve been interesting and often even hysterical. In other words, I have to laugh otherwise I’d cry. After years of facing the good, the bad and the ugly I came to discover that dating can best be embraced as part of life’s journey.
MR. NO PANTS
Take “Mr. No-Pants,” for example. I met him on a dating site a few years ago. He lived a few hours away from me but said he didn’t mind commuting for dates. Sounds good to me.
He came to my neighborhood on our first date, we had a nice conversation, no signs of odd behavior, and so I accepted a second date. We arranged to go to see a play and that he would pick me up at my house (by the way, I don’t normally recommend this). In any event, he didn’t want to mess up his slacks on the drive to my house so he wore a pair of jeans. When he arrived at my house he asked if he could change his clothes - fine with me. But when I left him in the living room to print our tickets in my office, he chose to change his pants right there in the middle of the room instead going into the bathroom right next door. Concurrently my 20-year-old daughter was coming down the stairs and caught him with his pants down....literally! Needless to say she was less than impressed.
WORDS TO THE WISE
In my book, It Takes All 5: A Single Moms Guide to Finding the REAL One (available in April 2012), I advise newly unwedded moms, that now is the time NOT to compromise. We’ve had our big, fat, white-dress-wedding (some of us even took a sashay down the aisle more than once); we have had a child or two, so it’s time to take a chill pill and reflect on who we are now, what we truly want and where we are going in our lives. There should be no rush to the alter.
“Mr. No Pants” was not the right guy, neither was the nervous one with sweaty palms or the man who thought playing tongue hockey on the first date was an official sport. There was also a charming wine connoisseur; an exhilarating small jet pilot; and a brilliant orthopedic surgeon. All lovely men, but ultimately those relationships did not work out either.
MY DATING APPROACH
I coach my clients to approach dating as an avocation rather than a “job” or a means to an end. One of the gifts here is that you not only get to know who the people you are dating are, but you get to discover what you like and don’t like. Settling for a partner, just any partner, is a fear-based decision. Holding out for what you truly want in your life comes from strength and honor. Honoring yourself! And if you aren’t going to do it, who else will?
For me, regardless of how many dating disappointments are thrown my way, I’d rather spend the remainder of my life without a male companion and cherish my time with my girlfriends, than settle for someone who is less than exactly who I want - just so I can be in a relationship.
“Even a bad date is a good story!”
Kerri Zane is an Emmy award winning TV producer, writer, author, radio co-host and speaker. As an Ambassador of Healthy Living for Single Moms she hosts a health and fitness informational series for Long Beach, California’sBikeable Communities. She is the co-host for Innerlight Radio’s The Natural Healing and Natural Remedies show. Kerri has a degree in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica. She is a graduate of UCLA and has served as a TV and Film instructor at the school’s extension program. Kerri is the single mother of two daughters and lives in Long Beach, California. For more dating stories and healthy living tips for single moms visit www.kerrizane.com.